14.5 hours

I slept from 6 p.m. last night until 8:30 a.m. today. I’m pretty sure I’ve never slept that long in my entire life.   It wasn’t uninterrupted sleep.  I woke up about 30 times sweating buckets (ugh) but my head hurt so bad I knew I had to just stay in bed.

I got up feeling a little better but not really good.  I went to workout despite not feeling like it, and felt lightheaded and weak afterwards.  Guess I shouldn’t expect to feel better that soon.

Switching gears….

Have you ever run into people who say “You have a problem because you choose to have it?”  As in, if you only had enough willpower, you could control these things?  I could see what they might think that’s true, but at the same time, I don’t choose to have that crazy ass switch flip in my head after one or two glasses of wine.  It just does.  I don’t want it to win, but it always overpowers me.

I guess all that matters is that I’m sober today and I’m staying that way tonight.

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Ground zero

I thought I had it beat.  In my last post, I shared how I’d found a system that worked for me.  It didn’t really work.  I thought I could make it work, but I find now that 1 night a week of drinking turns into days and days of it.  There is no such thing as moderation with me and alcohol.  It will never work.

I’m dealing with a terrible headache, sweats, anxiety.  All the things I hated that I don’t seem to remember when I’m in the moment.  It’s AWFUL.  I’m giving it up.

No more lies, regrets, health scares.  More money, self-respect, progress towards meaningful goals.

God bless….

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Where I’ve been

Good morning and happy Sunday everyone.  I’m not sure if anyone has been wondering where I’ve been at or not…I know so many of you out there have always been so supportive and helpful to me.

So, what compelled me to post today?  I’m up early, the house is quiet, and usually that’s when I start to get the itch to write, but I think it’s more than that.  I want to share with you what I’ve been up to and how it’s affected me.

I’ve posted before about my massive struggles with alcohol and how much weight I’ve gained over the years.  I’m tall, so lucky for me, I’ve got a lot of surface area for the extra weight to spread out on.  Well, I decided I’d had enough of being overweight, unhappy with my health, and tired of drinking so damn much and that it was time to do something about it.

On April 26, 2017, I started lessons with a personal trainer at a small, private gym close to home.  His plan included cutting out all food that wasn’t protein or vegetables (until I get closer to goal weight), weightlifting, and cardio.  Only organic food, grass-fed meats, seafood, and no dairy unless it’s from grass-fed cows/goats, etc.  And, out of all meals, I could only have 1 meal per week that was not on plan.  That didn’t mean go totally berserk for one meal.  I have to take a picture of literally every food item I was consuming and send it to him via text.  It was to hold me accountable. So as you might imagine, this was a huge, and I mean HUGE change for me.

The first week went fine except for after the cheat meal.  Of course, I had wine with the cheat meal and right after before going to bed.  Drank too much as usual.  Then it creeped into the next day – the cravings for the old way of eating and alcohol.  But something slowly began to happen.  Day by day, I got stronger, got better sleep, and started seeing the weight fall off.  Only two weekends since 4/26 have I had more than one cheat meal.  It’s been 8 weekends, so 6 out of 8 isn’t too bad.

I’m still drinking on cheat meal night, but FAR less than I did before.  I get so drunk off of just a few beers or a few glasses of wine, that I just can’t consume what I used to.  Now, I know I should just give it all up all together.  I’m still afraid, and I don’t know why.  I look forward to that cheat meal so much, but less for the food (I actually love what I eat now), and more for the numbing of the alcohol.

I’ve lost almost 20 pounds in 8 weeks.  And the change is drastic – I’m down 2 dress sizes, I feel more fit than I probably have ever been (already!), and I am sleeping better.  No more high blood pressure medicine, no more anxiety meds, except on rare occasions.  And finally, I’m proud of me.  Will I get there?  To that place where I don’t drink anymore at all – even just that one meal per week?  Quite likely.  But I’m not there yet.  I’m slowly building a love for myself again and I know that over time, these repeated habits will help further boost my self-esteem and love for health.  I consider it somewhat of a miracle that I have stopped drinking every day.  Here’s to continued forward progress, even if slow. ❤


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An absolute gem

Happy Friday everyone.  I haven’t posted in awhile, but I’ve been sober since last Sunday.  I wanted to share this gem with you because it brought me to tears today.  It’s not my work but was published by the folks at:  http://www.marcandangel.com

Hope it speaks to you as well…❤️


Even after you let go, the past is still part of who you are. Every one of us lives in the present and makes choices based on some part of the past. This fact is simply unavoidable. You are only able to read these words right now because of your past. Your brain relates past experiences (or learned knowledge) to these words.

All forms of learning rely on your ability to continually reference the past. If you think about it, many wise decisions you have made leading to this very moment were created through recalling what did or did not work in the past. You are only able to do what you can now because of what you learned. For instance, you only recognize a friend when she walks into the room because you reference a past connection with her. In this way, you are using the past effectively.

But when you start behaving ineffectively because you think, “this is the way it has always been,” problems arise. Old traditions may be useful, or they may stifle your progress and growth. It all depends on how relevant they are to the present. It’s your job to make this determination.
We talk about letting go of the past and moving on, but what do we really need to leave behind? Since the past helps us at least as much as it hurts us, how do we know which pieces to discard?

Here are two things we know that have helped thousands of our coaching/course students:

1. You are subconsciously matching patterns from the past with the present.

When an experience in your life has emotional significance, it gets tagged in your brain as being important. When the emotional experience is tragic, it triggers your brain’s fear mechanism, which tells your brain to remain on the lookout for any future conditions that vaguely remind you of this tragic experience (it does this to protect you from future harm). Your brain then tries to match new experiences with the original one. But depending on how emotionally attached you are to the original experience, it can lead to ‘false pattern matches’ which will inevitably lead you astray.

For example:

1. A muscular man assaulted you, so now you find it hard to trust all muscular men.

2. An old boss verbally harassed you, so now you have trouble respecting a totally new boss or different authoritative figure.

3. etc.

Again, these false pattern matches occur whenever you respond negatively and over-emotionally to a particular experience. And it all happens subconsciously too. Logically, you know that all muscular men are completely different human beings, but emotionally you respond as if they are one.

If you feel that you are stuck because you can’t move beyond a past experience, then your brain is relating to it as if it’s still happening right now, which means it’s matching patterns improperly in the present. Knowing this is honestly half the battle. The second half of the battle requires you to take an intricate look at your present circumstances and then pinpoint all the specifc ways your present differs from your past (Marc and I have guided thousands of coaching/course students through this process over the years).
2. Your subconscious mind forgets that your capabilities have grown.

Even though you intellectually know you’re stronger than you were in the past, your subconscious mind often forgets that your capabilities have grown.

Let me give you a quick metaphorical example…

Zookeepers typically strap a thin metal chain to a grown elephant’s leg, and then attach the other end to a small wooden peg that’s hammered into the ground. The 10-foot tall, 10,000-pound elephant could easily snap the chain and uproot the wooden peg, and escape to freedom with minimal effort. But it doesn’t. In fact the elephant never even tries. The world’s most powerful land animal, which can uproot a tree as easily as you could break a toothpick, remains defeated by a small wooden peg and a flimsy chain.


Because when the elephant was a baby, its trainers used the exact same methods to domesticate it. A thin chain was strapped around its leg and the other end of the chain was tied to a wooden peg in the ground. At the time, the chain and peg were strong enough to restrain the baby elephant. When it tried to break away, the metal chain would pull it back. Sometimes, tempted by the world it could see in the distance, the elephant would pull harder. But the chain would not budge, and soon the baby elephant realized trying to escape was not possible. So it stopped trying.

And now that the elephant is all grown up, it sees the chain and the peg and it remembers what it learned as a baby – the chain and peg are impossible to escape. Of course, this is no longer true, but it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter that the 200-pound baby is now a 10,000-pound powerhouse. The elephant’s self-limiting beliefs prevail.

If you think about it, we are all like elephants. We all have incredible power inside us. And of course, we have our own chains and pegs – the self-limiting beliefs that hold us back. Sometimes it’s a childhood experience or an early failure. Sometimes it’s something we were told when we were younger. We need to learn from the past, but be ready to update what we learned based on how our circumstances have changed (as they constantly do).

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Thanks and thoughts

I’m posting on my iPhone app, so this will be brief.  First, thank you to all who liked my post and/or provided support with comments.  You help more than you know.

Second, I am disgusted by my behavior lately and saddened that I am still here.  I know what I need to do.

Third, I know sober is better than not sober.   That’s one reason why I’m working on getting there.

Finally, sometimes life becomes more clear when you screw up.  Life being the teacher and all of that special shit.  I know my last two posts have been negative, but I’m being honest.  Sometimes shit sucks and stuff.

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Please help

I’m begging for sober help.  Please provide your words of wisdom.

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I wanted to type something worse.  I typed ABSENT-F-ING-TEEISM and deleted it for this much less offensive title.  Wimping out, as usual.

I’m not my normal ray of sunshine today because I have TOTALLY screwed up.  I’ve drank wine now every night since my last post.  While I have no bad track record at work at all, I called out last Friday and today and claimed “I have the flu.”  Everyone is so sympathetic, so worried, and yet here I am.  I went to lunch, had 4 beers at lunch today, yesterday, the day before, the day before, HOLY SHIT.

I’m not only hugely embarrassed with myself, my dog was so upset in my change of mood (I don’t yell at my dog or even talk sternly to her), SHE WOULDN’T LEAVE MY CLOSET.

I have to be done forever.  This shit isn’t me, it’s going to ruin my life, and it’s been going on way too long.  I used to be a social drinker.  Someone who could go weeks, months, years without a drink.  The hook is in, and I must get some big-ass pliers to remove it.

I’m so disgusted, ashamed, and scared.  I am ready to be done with all of this!  Some of you have been following me for such a long time and must be so disappointed that I am back here again.  For that, I am sorry, but I also know that if you didn’t struggle, you wouldn’t be here either.  Thanks for being here and listening, and I’m sorry that I’m not more inspirational today.  Lots of love…


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